Pain

As you all may or may not know, I suffer from chronic back pain. Today the pain is really making itself known running up and down my leg like a screaming queen up and into my ass and back area. It’s joyful. It has a mind of its own. I have no idea what I am doing or am not doing to cause the pain any more. One would say I am at my wits end, by most evenings lately my body can hardly carry itself, at least I can carry off #chronicpain in #cripperealness!Hey if you can’t joke about it...  

I wanted to paint for the morning but doesn't look likely. Usually, I would paint through the pain or alongside it, but the pain since I had my second surgery is completely different, this pain is sharp and screams, like I said. The last pain was present all the time like annoying friend who won’t shut up talking or leave you alone. When painting my last exhibition 'I AM HOMAN' I painted with, alongside and through the pain.

The results were some of the best paintings I have ever done by channelling the pain I felt into abstract pieces and landscape pieces that resonated with the landscape of my memory. Or that of what the pain felt like and how lonely it can be. No matter how much someone says they have an idea of what I am going through, they don't have a clue until they know what it’s like not to be able walk straight or stand up straight or have to eat pills to help numb a tiny part of the pain.

When I paint now I try to stay away from channelling the pain. I am not used to it at all. Instead of using the pain I live with I am using my feelings around it or tapping into how I am in general. Like happiness, anger, joy, fear, anxiety, pain, piece, pain, piece, pain, piece, you get the gist I am just going with the flow and trying to let all control go. I am on a journey with it. I have been painting the most abstract pieces I have ever painted and they seem to be working out quite well.

I am using colours I haven't used since my college years or painting the tribes (The most colourful tribe ever, the Masai and the Kikuyu) I stayed with while I was in Kenya in 2004 for my exhibition 'With Grace'. One of the most amazing experiences I ever been privileged to have. I am reusing reds, yellows, reds, reds, golds, turquoise, and all things gold and copper. I should write an 'ode to gold' at this stage.

So anyway, pain sucks and I am in the bed for now (I am currently painting a snow scene in my head). I am trying to listen to my body more rather than push it. It can’t be pushed at the moment. I think the time has come where I stop fighting the harsh reality and that I’ll just have to manage the pain and rise above it, a Phoenix from the ashes, paint the world bright.

Thank god for painting, it’s the only thing I can do. I can’t go to the gym as I did five days a week or run four days a week or hike or sail or go horse-riding, or work 9-5. Painting has become even more than ever, my saviour. It is my constant, my everything. It is my true love, it is on my mind every second, I wake up thinking about painting and sometimes fall asleep to future paintings in the hopes I am going to create them in my head.

I have never been truly and intimately in love with someone. I do long to be however, but this is what I think love is, the closest I have been to being 'truly madly deeply'. A love hate, kinda thing, it can bring you to the highest highs and the lowest lows.